The Game

Last week, I wrote a post about the idea that life is not personal.  This week I want to delve more deeply into this idea and give you more power as a designer in your life.  So here’s the next piece of the puzzle: You are not the things you design.  I know on some level, this seems obvious.  I’d like you to consider that each of us personalizes some of the things that we have created and are creating in our lives.

Imagine a young man or woman who is looking to find love in their life.  They want to find a lover, a soul mate, a mate, etc.  This person might start to think something like, “How do I find someone?”  “How do I find someone who’ll like me?”  “I guess I’ll have to start asking people out?  I hate that.  It’s makes me feel so uncomfortable.”  “It’s so hard to meet people.  I go to work; I come home.  Where am I going to find this person?”  This individual has made finding that special someone all about them.  More importantly, they’ve made the “game” of finding a mate contingent on their limitations and worldview.  Predictably, this person will formulate strategies for finding someone that are not based on what works; instead they’ll be based on what the person does or doesn’t like to do, how comfortable they feel taking the actions, etc.

If we approach the “game” of finding a mate from the perspective of true design, we’d begin with questions like, “How does one find a mate?” or better yet, “What’s the nature of the game?”  The nature of finding someone essentially involves product development, communication, marketing and sales.  Now when I say product development, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be true to who they are.  This is not about being phony.  At the same time, the “game” of finding someone is to make yourself as attractive to the world as you possibly can.   So rather than judging and evaluating yourself, “I’ll never find someone to love me,” one could begin to seek out feedback from others on their personality and their physical presentation.  Again, this isn’t to make you into someone that you’re not, but these are legitimate non-personal questions that are relevant to the game of romance.  Imagine if Derek Jeter wasn’t open to feedback about his swing?  Or if Robert DeNiro wasn’t open to input from his director on how to deliver a line?  When you take on the mastery of something and can see it as separate and distinct from you, you naturally want to know all the different facets that would make you excellent, and you become open to feedback.

When you can see that finding a mate involves on some level marketing yourself, you can begin to think about how that can be done?  Who can you enlist to help you?  If you find that you’re awkward in conversation, you can create a training plan around this so you can develop yourself over time.  You may never have the true gift of gab, but finding someone doesn’t mean that you master all the elements of the game; it just means that you maintain a certain level of conscious proficiency about them.

The point here is whether we’re talking about love or golf or building a business or being a manager or any aspect of your life, the thing you are creating has it’s own nature and requirements.  Yes, there are a countless number of ways to build a business or find a mate.  Yes, there is much room for an individual to be innovative and creative in the pursuit of what they are designing.  In fact, you will be amazed at how free and creative your mind becomes when you stop resisting the nature of the things you want to create.  That’s what all the ruckus is about.  Your mind just wants to know that you are taking care of it, and doing the things required to move your life forward.  When you don’t honor that, your mind goes berserk and it can start to berate you, berate others, become very loud and unsettled.  As annoying as it can be, your mind knows when there are holes in your plan.  When you can let it know that you’ve thought it all through and are covering all the bases, it will let you be.  Even if you consciously decide to not take on an aspect of the “game,” it will know that you’ve made that decision and still have a plan to take care of it.

Designing your life doesn’t guarantee success.  It doesn’t mean that you will always win.  It does though put you in the driver seat.  The most important thing to remember is that it’s not you that you are designing; it’s your life.  You don’t confuse baking chocolate chips cookies for you.  You don’t mistake growing a garden for you. You don’t mistake building a house for you.  If you don’t personally know how to build a house, you don’t come up with some warped strategy of building a house that is limited by your knowledge and skill.  You go find someone who does know.  Your focus is on the outcome itself, not whether you can personally do it.  It’s not personal.

“C’mon Bill, building a house is not the same thing as finding true love.”

I know but … imagine if it was.