Posts from — December 2009

The conversation is growing.  What does that mean … really?  Have you ever noticed that certain things in your life happen pretty much naturally, and others don’t?  By naturally, I don’t mean they happen without effort, I mean you just do them without giving them much thought.  Walking is a natural action.  At some point, driving becomes a natural action.  And it’s not just about natural action, there are things that are just part of how we live.  In many parts of the world, there isn’t even a light switch or faucet to turn on, let alone the expectation that a light will go on or clean running water will flow.  You only notice the light when it doesn’t go on.

“The conversation is growing” is an acknowledgement of the full creative process of life.  Albeit not always this linear, the creative process flows generally from thinking to action to structure.  You have an idea.  You take action on that idea, and the action results in a structure or thing.  It’s not typically a step-by-step process, but generally when you look at everything in your life, it all on some level resulted from thought.

It all began as a conversation.

Our Primary Change Model

In our culture, our primary change model is that if something isn’t happening that we want to happen, then we must take action even if by force.  If there’s not peace somewhere, send in the troops.  If what’s showing up is a higher number on the scale than we want, then “Just do it!”  Get your ass to the gym.  Stop eating those nasty foods.  What’s grossly overlooked is the thinking that lies behind the result; the thinking that lies behind the action.  We put all of our attention on the result that’s showing up in our faces, but give little notice to the thinking that led to that result in the first place.

Growing a conversation is about going to the source of our creation – our thinking.  It’s about beginning to realize that if what we want is peace in the world and what keeps showing up is war, then the conversation for war is still stronger than the conversation for peace.  We need to grow the conversation for peace.  If what we want is abundance but what is showing up in the world is predominantly hunger and poverty, then the conversation for hunger and poverty is stronger than the conversation for abundance.  We need to grow the conversation for abundance.

In personal examples, if you weigh more than you desire, then the conversation for “fat” is stronger in your life than the conversation for “thin.”  You need to grow the conversation for “thin.”  If you’re looking for a job and not finding what you want, then the conversation for “there’s no jobs out there” is stronger in your life than the conversation for “gainful, satisfying employment.”  You must grow the conversation for “gainful, satisfying employment.”  If you are alone and want someone to share your life with, then the conversation for “alone” is stronger in your life than the conversation for “lover.”  You must grow the conversation, “lover.”

Another Perspective

Another way to think about this is to imagine a big circle drawn on a piece of paper.  Now imagine the circle is filled with the “contents” of your life, so the circle is filled with you car, your house, your job, your spouse, and your kids.  The circle is filled with the things you can do like walking, talking, listening, and swimming.  The circle is filled with the things you like to do and the things you don’t like to do.  Every bit of your life is in that circle.

Now, imagine that everything you want but don’t have exists outside the circle.  Our default change model tells us that if you want something that exists out the circle, you need to muster up enough force and energy to burst through the wall of the circle as if the circle itself is some static entity.  “No pain, no gain” has become our mantra, but this model doesn’t tell us the whole story.  Another possible model for change is rather than using force; instead use thought (the beginning of the creative process) to make yourself stronger and stronger and stronger so that the circle itself expands in such a way that what’s outside the circle becomes included in your life.

For example, a child doesn’t learn to walk by deciding one day to muster up enough force to burst through the circle.  At some point, a child develops the awareness of “walking” as a possibility and he keeps growing the circle until it’s big enough to include “walking” in reality.  What has the circle grow is the child’s thinking.  He keeps his focus on “walking.”  The child is studying “walking.”  The child is imagining “walking.”  The child is dreaming about “walking.”  The child does not sit around brooding over the fact that he can’t walk.  The child is not complaining to his parents or other baby friends,  “My life is so incomplete because I can’t walk.  Whoa is me.”  We don’t say to the child, “Suck it up.  No pain, no gain.”  No, the child is going through a very natural process of creativity.  I’m not suggesting there aren’t moments of angst for the child when he tries to stand up but just cannot do it.  Still, at some point, when he realizes that he can’t yet do it, he doesn’t internalize the failure and say to himself, “I’ll never walk.  I’m such a failure.”  No, he turns his attention to a toy to play with or his mother’s warm hug.  He turns his focus to things that bring him joy.  Things that make him feel good.  Things that make his feel stronger.  And then when he becomes aware again of “walking,” he watches and learns and imagines “walking.”  He continues to build the strength of that image, the strength of his desire until at last the day comes when he takes those first steps.

Contrast this to our everyday experience.  Think about the amount of time you spend looking at the contents of your circle, seeing the conditions you don’t want, and then focusing most of your attention on the fact that you don’t weigh the right amount, your boss sucks, you’re alone or there are no jobs out there.  Then, with all your focus and energy on how it is, you try to muster up enough energy and force to go racing from the center of the circle and burst through the edge.  Most of the time when you do this, you are sent reeling back to the center of the circle feeling more and more like the life you have is it.  You sigh, and think, “Perhaps it’s just the way it is for me.  Maybe this is as good as life is going to be for me.”

This default change model leaves out most of the data.  Our model of “No pain, no gain” or “Just do it” is based on the moment that the child struggles to take that first step and we say, “The child broke through the circle.”  And perhaps in that moment, the child did break through a little, but what we discount is all the learning, imagining and focus that made the circle big enough to be just on the edge of “walking.”

We discount that all along the way, a conversation was growing.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this?